Sometimes I get so fucking angry

It's Mother's Day. It's raining. I'm angry.

I'm angry because I feel like I can do nothing right. I'm angry because I feel like I'm constantly being watched and critisized and underminded. I'm angry because I just want everything to be ok. Some days P is great. Most days he's upsetting. I get angry because I don't know how else to deal with it. I want to be happy. My house is a mess. The garden is almost done. There is so much we need to do. We're going to be here another two years. Or maybe longer. Two years until we decide what we're going to buy. Two years to decide the plans for our house. Two years to pay off this house and save up for a down payment. It doesn't even look like we "live" here. We're just staying for a while. Boxes all over. Mess after mess. White walls. We painted the dresser and it looks great but it's still in the living room and now has become a storage shelf.

And now he's bitching that I'm not trying to know what he's talking about. Poles. How am I going to get those poles out the ground. What fucking poles? And like I give a shit. We have a lot more to worry about than some stupid poles.

Yeah, I watch my weight, alright

I had my first weigh in at the REAL Weight Watchers today. +.2lbs. +!!!!! I couldn't believe it. After all my hard work, after all the exercise and the eating good, I'm still gaining. Fuck. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to eat a cheeseburger and fries. I went to the store and bought Progresso soup. Mary suggested it. It's a lot, and only 2 points per can. I need to follow the good health guidelines. Our leader says that it's because I'm working out, but I still hate it. I just hate it. I want to be smaller. I want to weigh LESS. I'm just pissed. I'm going to be fat forever. Weight Watchers will make a ton off of me. I'll be a member forever. All the others will be at their goals and I will weigh more. I feel discouraged. I bet no one else in that room gained. Everyone was so happy with their loss. Fuck. I really am going to be fat forever. I hate this.

It's a new day

243.8. That's what the scale at Weight Watchers said. I think it was high (as in smoking some weed), but I guess I need to come to grips with reality. I am losing. I am doing it. I'm working out. I'm drinking water (still not enough). I'm eating better. I'm thinking more positively. And I joined Weight Watchers. Goddamn Weight Watchers. Everyone says, "the meetings are better!" But I never believed them. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought I could make it. I probably could have done it, but I didn't want to anymore. So now I go. I felt like I was in church. I feel accountable. I feel...good. I started my gym membership last Saturday. Since then I've gone five days in a row. Three days I did 1 1/2 hours, two days I did only 1 hour. I think it's going well. It IS going well. I'm actually starting to like it. I like that I'm leading a healthier life. Dad would be proud of me. It makes me so angry when I think of Peter and all those girls he's fucked. I want to be the one. I want to be the one that people look at and say, "damn, she's hot." I want to wear clothes that don't come with a number before the X. I want to wear cute pants and shirts that are clingy (and don't show my rolls). I can do this. It's only a little time out of my day. It's a lifestyle. I want to keep up with Peter. I want to outrun Peter. I want his clothes to be big on me. I'll get there. One baby step at a time. Tonight was a giant leap. I'm proud.

Monday

It's Monday. I'm tracking my food- every bite. I have a headache because I haven't had any water today. I need to take a vitamin. My egg with ham was delicious. Eggs are good for you in moderation. Lots of things are good for you in moderation. I'm washing clothes so I can go to the gym and to work and grocery shopping. I cleaned most of my room last night. Maybe I'll even get around to painting it soon. I'm scared today. I want to lose weight so badly. But I actually need to do it. I need to do it for my health. I need to do it for my father. He's looking down on me, watching me eat all the crap I eat and abuse my body. I would feed my children good food. Why wait? I deserve to eat well. I deserve to treat myself to wholesome organic food. I would spend just as much on fast and junk food as I would on organic vegetables and minimally processed foods. I deserve to live. Today is a great day. I feel good. I'm doing this. One meal at a time. One breath at a time. One blink at a time. I'm doing this. For me.

It's been a while

I've been eating like a fat person for the past week, and I didn't care. Now I'm full, have an upset stomach, and heartburn. No more. I had my fill of junk. I told BF that I'm only cooking good food from now on. No more crap. No more high fat, high carb meals. Healthy, low fat, wholesome, not-too-many-carbs meals. And plans. I need plans. I bet I've gained 10 pounds. I'm going to the gym tomorrow, and I'm having my orientation with my trainer. Maybe it will help. I'm tired of all this fat. I'm tired of weighing more than BF. I want to be the small one. I want to be the cute one. As much as I hate it, I want to turn heads. And I will. Soon, in a year or a year and a half, I will be the one. I will be healthy. I will live. Dad will be proud. When I wake up tomorrow, it's a new day. I will begin again. I will blog religiously. Even if I don't want to, I will. I will exercise daily. Even if it's only for an hour on the treadmill, I will do it. I will eat healthy. I want to live. I want to live. I WILL LIVE!!!

Oh well. Shit Happens.

I went out to lunch today with DW. She's great. The office is SO much better since she's been around. And she's funny as hell. We had teriyaki. I ate everything. I wasn't even that hungry. See the problem? I ate more crap at home, too. I need to make more frozen little meals. These spaghetti cups are yummy AND cute. That's what makes me lose weight. And right now the sponge for my wheat bread is rising. We'll see how this goes. Tomorrow I will eat well, even though I still don't have any fresh fruit. Peter did get broccoli today, though. And I will bring a sandwich to Olympia with me. And maybe some broccoli. And maybe a hard boiled egg. Yum. I love eggs. Now I'm drinking a quart of bloody mary. Talk about delicious. By the time I'm done, I'll have a great buzz and tomorrow will be a few hours away. I love tomorrow :)

A Weight Watchers Success. And then not.

So it's Thursday. I lost four pounds this week. YAY! But I've been eating like a fat kid for the past two days. No stoppin me now! Tonight we're having pork country ribs with potato gratin and collard greens. A million points. And I had a taco salad for lunch at work. And I made FABULOUS potato bread for BF (which of course is 3 points per thin slice). I'm just not planning. I need to start planning again, with the food we have.

I have a thawed out turkey breast ready to go. I even sprouted alfalfa and have ripe avocados for sandwiches. Why don't I eat it? Because I didn't make wheat bread. Why not? I don't have enough wheat flour. Duh. Buy some. I know. I just haven't. See? This is my problem. I have no more fresh fruit in the house. I will definitely buy wheat flour tomorrow (even if it's from Safeway) and make bread. Sandwiches for lunch next week. Buy fresh fruit. Package things for lunches. Make spaghetti cups for Christ's sake!! I'm already thawing ground beef and I have cups. I just need to do it. Nevermind. I'm doing it now. RIGHT NOW!!! Start planning. Planning is good.

UPDATE: The sauce is made (diced organic tomatoes, onion, garlic and onion powder, dried basil, and salt all blended together to be very slightly chunky), the meat is boiling (the baby patties will fit in the bottom of the cup), and I'm about to measure out the spaghetti. Dinner is on it's way. It will be interesting to see how many points the spaghetti cups will be. Not many, I'm sure, and with a little protein is good. Small packages are great for easy point counting and PLANNING!! I already have chopped acorn squash in the freezer ready and I'm going to put broccoli in there too. Well, the potatoes turned out to be shit. I strained them and added a can of cream of mushroom soup. Good enough. And only three points a serving! Yay. A small victory. Meat turns out to be 1.5 points per cup. I'm making 10 cups. So they'll probably be 2.5 or 3 points. Not too bad. We'll see.

Today? Stress. Tomorrow? Who knows.

I have a presentation to give tomorrow at the HS next door. I think I'm stressed because I remember how terrible high school was for me. Frankly, I'm intimidated. Those kids are mean. Rich and mean. And here I am, fat advisor from the college, giving a presentation about math and science. Four periods of kids tomorrow morning. First thing tomorrow, too. I'm dreading it, but actually I'm ready. I know what I'm going to say. And if they don't like it, so what? Bill's didn't go over any better than mine will. Maybe I will be surprised and one will actually listen. I just need to breathe. Everything will be fine. It's no big deal, really. Just a presentation. Just part of my job.

In other news, I've been doing really well on Weight Watchers. I've been counting and not eating a ton of crap and really working through my cravings. I still think about food constantly, but I'm getting through it. If I write things down, I'm better. I made a really great loaf of potato bread for BF last night, too. Tomorrow I'm making a lemon raspberry loaf for Nicole for her birthday, along with a Starbucks giftcard. She's great.

Ok, off to Winlock for some shopping. YAY!!!!

A failure. And hope. And sadness.

Do you see a theme lately? If you don't, you must be blind and not reading in Braille. I started Weight Watchers, what, like two weeks ago? And I'm still not losing weight. I'm not even trying. Believe me, I don't think that one day I will wake up skinny. I used to wish and wish and wish as a kid, but it never worked. Then Dad died. Only 49 and dead. Will that be me? Probably. He's the third generation. I'll probably be the 4th. The brothers are fatter, but will probably be blessed with "good" health (you know, no heart disease or diabetes) and I'm probably getting it right now. It makes me sad, almost crying, to think I would leave BF because of my selfishness. But what do I do? Eat more. And more. And then more all the while thinking and knowing that I am getting fatter and my heart is working harder and harder. Sure, I lost 40 pounds, but I've gained back 15. I stopped after 40. I was tired of planning my meals, counting, exercising, thinking. I just wanted to be left alone for Christ's sake!! So I left myself alone and now, today because I was mad at BF for going to the bar while I was at work, I at a whole can of chili, sauerkraut, two hotdogs, and almost a whole sleeve of crackers. How much water did I drink throughout this whole thing? NONE!!! Not a drop. So now I'm bloated and dehydrated and thinking these pj pants that BF's mom gave me in a size 3x are beginning to fit. Good thing they're big!

Pathetic. I was actually laughing as I was typing because of the ridiculousness of the whole ordeal. I'm fat. I'm stressed out. I can't say it's because BF isn't sleeping with me because I got laid twice in the last two days AND on Christmas (a first). I know the most recent times were because of the porn I bought, but hey, who am I to complain. I know I don't turn him on. Shit, I don't turn ME on. I've started gagging when I look at myself in the mirror again. Like I did when I was in high school. Rolls, fat, slob. All the signs of a lazy, ugly person who doesn't care of herself.

If I could just force myself to get up off my ass and do something. Anything. Like make BF go in the bedroom for 30 minutes while I do the aerobic video that I bought over winter break. Or like figure out what the hell I'm eating for even the next day so I can be prepared. Good snacks. Small meals. I'm going to try this belly fat diet. Not too hard. I'm going to combine Weight Watchers and belly fat and see what happens. Nothing bad, obviously. Count points. Eat right. Protein-carbs-fruit-veggies. Lots of water!! I have been taking vitamins each day, so that's good too.

Time for bed. I just did the Weight Watchers menu for next year. You know, I'm actually excited about my points going down. That means I'm losing weight!!