A failure. And hope. And sadness.

Do you see a theme lately? If you don't, you must be blind and not reading in Braille. I started Weight Watchers, what, like two weeks ago? And I'm still not losing weight. I'm not even trying. Believe me, I don't think that one day I will wake up skinny. I used to wish and wish and wish as a kid, but it never worked. Then Dad died. Only 49 and dead. Will that be me? Probably. He's the third generation. I'll probably be the 4th. The brothers are fatter, but will probably be blessed with "good" health (you know, no heart disease or diabetes) and I'm probably getting it right now. It makes me sad, almost crying, to think I would leave BF because of my selfishness. But what do I do? Eat more. And more. And then more all the while thinking and knowing that I am getting fatter and my heart is working harder and harder. Sure, I lost 40 pounds, but I've gained back 15. I stopped after 40. I was tired of planning my meals, counting, exercising, thinking. I just wanted to be left alone for Christ's sake!! So I left myself alone and now, today because I was mad at BF for going to the bar while I was at work, I at a whole can of chili, sauerkraut, two hotdogs, and almost a whole sleeve of crackers. How much water did I drink throughout this whole thing? NONE!!! Not a drop. So now I'm bloated and dehydrated and thinking these pj pants that BF's mom gave me in a size 3x are beginning to fit. Good thing they're big!

Pathetic. I was actually laughing as I was typing because of the ridiculousness of the whole ordeal. I'm fat. I'm stressed out. I can't say it's because BF isn't sleeping with me because I got laid twice in the last two days AND on Christmas (a first). I know the most recent times were because of the porn I bought, but hey, who am I to complain. I know I don't turn him on. Shit, I don't turn ME on. I've started gagging when I look at myself in the mirror again. Like I did when I was in high school. Rolls, fat, slob. All the signs of a lazy, ugly person who doesn't care of herself.

If I could just force myself to get up off my ass and do something. Anything. Like make BF go in the bedroom for 30 minutes while I do the aerobic video that I bought over winter break. Or like figure out what the hell I'm eating for even the next day so I can be prepared. Good snacks. Small meals. I'm going to try this belly fat diet. Not too hard. I'm going to combine Weight Watchers and belly fat and see what happens. Nothing bad, obviously. Count points. Eat right. Protein-carbs-fruit-veggies. Lots of water!! I have been taking vitamins each day, so that's good too.

Time for bed. I just did the Weight Watchers menu for next year. You know, I'm actually excited about my points going down. That means I'm losing weight!!