Oh well. Shit Happens.

I went out to lunch today with DW. She's great. The office is SO much better since she's been around. And she's funny as hell. We had teriyaki. I ate everything. I wasn't even that hungry. See the problem? I ate more crap at home, too. I need to make more frozen little meals. These spaghetti cups are yummy AND cute. That's what makes me lose weight. And right now the sponge for my wheat bread is rising. We'll see how this goes. Tomorrow I will eat well, even though I still don't have any fresh fruit. Peter did get broccoli today, though. And I will bring a sandwich to Olympia with me. And maybe some broccoli. And maybe a hard boiled egg. Yum. I love eggs. Now I'm drinking a quart of bloody mary. Talk about delicious. By the time I'm done, I'll have a great buzz and tomorrow will be a few hours away. I love tomorrow :)

A Weight Watchers Success. And then not.

So it's Thursday. I lost four pounds this week. YAY! But I've been eating like a fat kid for the past two days. No stoppin me now! Tonight we're having pork country ribs with potato gratin and collard greens. A million points. And I had a taco salad for lunch at work. And I made FABULOUS potato bread for BF (which of course is 3 points per thin slice). I'm just not planning. I need to start planning again, with the food we have.

I have a thawed out turkey breast ready to go. I even sprouted alfalfa and have ripe avocados for sandwiches. Why don't I eat it? Because I didn't make wheat bread. Why not? I don't have enough wheat flour. Duh. Buy some. I know. I just haven't. See? This is my problem. I have no more fresh fruit in the house. I will definitely buy wheat flour tomorrow (even if it's from Safeway) and make bread. Sandwiches for lunch next week. Buy fresh fruit. Package things for lunches. Make spaghetti cups for Christ's sake!! I'm already thawing ground beef and I have cups. I just need to do it. Nevermind. I'm doing it now. RIGHT NOW!!! Start planning. Planning is good.

UPDATE: The sauce is made (diced organic tomatoes, onion, garlic and onion powder, dried basil, and salt all blended together to be very slightly chunky), the meat is boiling (the baby patties will fit in the bottom of the cup), and I'm about to measure out the spaghetti. Dinner is on it's way. It will be interesting to see how many points the spaghetti cups will be. Not many, I'm sure, and with a little protein is good. Small packages are great for easy point counting and PLANNING!! I already have chopped acorn squash in the freezer ready and I'm going to put broccoli in there too. Well, the potatoes turned out to be shit. I strained them and added a can of cream of mushroom soup. Good enough. And only three points a serving! Yay. A small victory. Meat turns out to be 1.5 points per cup. I'm making 10 cups. So they'll probably be 2.5 or 3 points. Not too bad. We'll see.

Today? Stress. Tomorrow? Who knows.

I have a presentation to give tomorrow at the HS next door. I think I'm stressed because I remember how terrible high school was for me. Frankly, I'm intimidated. Those kids are mean. Rich and mean. And here I am, fat advisor from the college, giving a presentation about math and science. Four periods of kids tomorrow morning. First thing tomorrow, too. I'm dreading it, but actually I'm ready. I know what I'm going to say. And if they don't like it, so what? Bill's didn't go over any better than mine will. Maybe I will be surprised and one will actually listen. I just need to breathe. Everything will be fine. It's no big deal, really. Just a presentation. Just part of my job.

In other news, I've been doing really well on Weight Watchers. I've been counting and not eating a ton of crap and really working through my cravings. I still think about food constantly, but I'm getting through it. If I write things down, I'm better. I made a really great loaf of potato bread for BF last night, too. Tomorrow I'm making a lemon raspberry loaf for Nicole for her birthday, along with a Starbucks giftcard. She's great.

Ok, off to Winlock for some shopping. YAY!!!!

A failure. And hope. And sadness.

Do you see a theme lately? If you don't, you must be blind and not reading in Braille. I started Weight Watchers, what, like two weeks ago? And I'm still not losing weight. I'm not even trying. Believe me, I don't think that one day I will wake up skinny. I used to wish and wish and wish as a kid, but it never worked. Then Dad died. Only 49 and dead. Will that be me? Probably. He's the third generation. I'll probably be the 4th. The brothers are fatter, but will probably be blessed with "good" health (you know, no heart disease or diabetes) and I'm probably getting it right now. It makes me sad, almost crying, to think I would leave BF because of my selfishness. But what do I do? Eat more. And more. And then more all the while thinking and knowing that I am getting fatter and my heart is working harder and harder. Sure, I lost 40 pounds, but I've gained back 15. I stopped after 40. I was tired of planning my meals, counting, exercising, thinking. I just wanted to be left alone for Christ's sake!! So I left myself alone and now, today because I was mad at BF for going to the bar while I was at work, I at a whole can of chili, sauerkraut, two hotdogs, and almost a whole sleeve of crackers. How much water did I drink throughout this whole thing? NONE!!! Not a drop. So now I'm bloated and dehydrated and thinking these pj pants that BF's mom gave me in a size 3x are beginning to fit. Good thing they're big!

Pathetic. I was actually laughing as I was typing because of the ridiculousness of the whole ordeal. I'm fat. I'm stressed out. I can't say it's because BF isn't sleeping with me because I got laid twice in the last two days AND on Christmas (a first). I know the most recent times were because of the porn I bought, but hey, who am I to complain. I know I don't turn him on. Shit, I don't turn ME on. I've started gagging when I look at myself in the mirror again. Like I did when I was in high school. Rolls, fat, slob. All the signs of a lazy, ugly person who doesn't care of herself.

If I could just force myself to get up off my ass and do something. Anything. Like make BF go in the bedroom for 30 minutes while I do the aerobic video that I bought over winter break. Or like figure out what the hell I'm eating for even the next day so I can be prepared. Good snacks. Small meals. I'm going to try this belly fat diet. Not too hard. I'm going to combine Weight Watchers and belly fat and see what happens. Nothing bad, obviously. Count points. Eat right. Protein-carbs-fruit-veggies. Lots of water!! I have been taking vitamins each day, so that's good too.

Time for bed. I just did the Weight Watchers menu for next year. You know, I'm actually excited about my points going down. That means I'm losing weight!!