It's a new day

243.8. That's what the scale at Weight Watchers said. I think it was high (as in smoking some weed), but I guess I need to come to grips with reality. I am losing. I am doing it. I'm working out. I'm drinking water (still not enough). I'm eating better. I'm thinking more positively. And I joined Weight Watchers. Goddamn Weight Watchers. Everyone says, "the meetings are better!" But I never believed them. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought I could make it. I probably could have done it, but I didn't want to anymore. So now I go. I felt like I was in church. I feel accountable. I feel...good. I started my gym membership last Saturday. Since then I've gone five days in a row. Three days I did 1 1/2 hours, two days I did only 1 hour. I think it's going well. It IS going well. I'm actually starting to like it. I like that I'm leading a healthier life. Dad would be proud of me. It makes me so angry when I think of Peter and all those girls he's fucked. I want to be the one. I want to be the one that people look at and say, "damn, she's hot." I want to wear clothes that don't come with a number before the X. I want to wear cute pants and shirts that are clingy (and don't show my rolls). I can do this. It's only a little time out of my day. It's a lifestyle. I want to keep up with Peter. I want to outrun Peter. I want his clothes to be big on me. I'll get there. One baby step at a time. Tonight was a giant leap. I'm proud.

Monday

It's Monday. I'm tracking my food- every bite. I have a headache because I haven't had any water today. I need to take a vitamin. My egg with ham was delicious. Eggs are good for you in moderation. Lots of things are good for you in moderation. I'm washing clothes so I can go to the gym and to work and grocery shopping. I cleaned most of my room last night. Maybe I'll even get around to painting it soon. I'm scared today. I want to lose weight so badly. But I actually need to do it. I need to do it for my health. I need to do it for my father. He's looking down on me, watching me eat all the crap I eat and abuse my body. I would feed my children good food. Why wait? I deserve to eat well. I deserve to treat myself to wholesome organic food. I would spend just as much on fast and junk food as I would on organic vegetables and minimally processed foods. I deserve to live. Today is a great day. I feel good. I'm doing this. One meal at a time. One breath at a time. One blink at a time. I'm doing this. For me.

It's been a while

I've been eating like a fat person for the past week, and I didn't care. Now I'm full, have an upset stomach, and heartburn. No more. I had my fill of junk. I told BF that I'm only cooking good food from now on. No more crap. No more high fat, high carb meals. Healthy, low fat, wholesome, not-too-many-carbs meals. And plans. I need plans. I bet I've gained 10 pounds. I'm going to the gym tomorrow, and I'm having my orientation with my trainer. Maybe it will help. I'm tired of all this fat. I'm tired of weighing more than BF. I want to be the small one. I want to be the cute one. As much as I hate it, I want to turn heads. And I will. Soon, in a year or a year and a half, I will be the one. I will be healthy. I will live. Dad will be proud. When I wake up tomorrow, it's a new day. I will begin again. I will blog religiously. Even if I don't want to, I will. I will exercise daily. Even if it's only for an hour on the treadmill, I will do it. I will eat healthy. I want to live. I want to live. I WILL LIVE!!!